I hitch-hiked West and rafted down the River of No Return
I went back to Yale to study philosophy

"We stopped at perfect days
and got out of the car.
The wind glanced at her hair.
It was a simple as that.
I turned to say something - "

My mouth was saying something.
I was pissing on my shoes
Everything was melting
(Shit).

"I'd rather be having fun
doin' just about anything."

playing with the private (hidden) pain
"Hold your pain"

I can't figure out why you try to figure things out.

"Things been kind of puny"

irreal

it might be true, even if you don't believe it

a thought: a verbal response

[day 2]

a writer works at the edge of pools - not in them

and thought of going down rapids before I fell asleep

[day 3]

the clouds moving in quick formations
the high rock canyons
and always the river
Panther Creek

and bobbing up and down before I fell asleep

[day 4]

river heavier green
sky full of stars
walk to the hot springs
climb
shadows on the cave wall

[day 5]

sunny
Tolkien mountains
dark gray and peach orange grasshoppers
climbed mountain with Doug
overlooking river
and Fawn Creek

[day 6]

river bigger
different granite mountains
at Salmon Falls
funny weather
Doug sick
canyon is a funny thing

[day 7]

rest
I am sitting on top of a mountain about to get off on LSD

later: it's too big now
at camp at night
the green of the water
drinking as I swim

glad to be alive
stupid to lose knife and pants
stupid to get in silly situation
still – who knows

[day 8]
sad foolish...
not knowing why I get into such silliness

I lost knife, shorts, beads, my lucky rock

afraid to see - if your suspicions should prove true

lovers talk a lot

things happen faster in books

silent change in clouds

pictures far near

paranoids - beings you hide things from

you as hidden

everyone doesn't know this

a poem for now:
stuck
says who
unstuck says you
who?
how are you?

faces in clouds, in mountains, in nature
weather
grand scenes
non-noticed correlations
what is noticing this [!!]?

"looks like but isn't..."

You go out and come back scared.
Why?

Limits edges reality

separated from society by a scare

the sound of wind in trees reach you before the wind

the Indian was always in nature

localized
in its interrelated order
a huge thing with deep uniformity

the world was never crawling with animal life

the big river sloshing by
a different kind of canyon
white rocky mountain streams
no moss, big rocks
white foam splash pour
gentle butterflies
grasshoppers
trout
swallows
ducks
goats

digesting experience into perception

moment of inspiration

loss of paradigms
loss of illusions

Aug 23 - meeting her was canceled

"Please help me dear doctor, I'm damaged.
There's a pain where there once was a heart."

[hitchhiking back
[here I omit the lists of people who picked me up]

deer at night

the sweet smell of sage and pine

lethargic divinity

books title: "Maybe I'm dead."

prose is not the spoken word

I get nervous if I don't get nervous

happiness is not rare

"the drunkenness of things being various"
L MacNiece,"Snow"

Walking in empty safe farmlands at night

"the answers quick and keen,
the honest look, the laughter, the love,
they are gone
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world."

E. St Vincent Millay "Dirge Without Music"

clear water

the whirling summer

"I feel glad when you feel good." - Woody Guthrie

[back in New Haven]

jealousy is a complex form of interpersonal behavior

a prisoner of their self-importance

silly games played here

unfalse

life unkind

the half-hug, the second look

what is it to feel like having a beer?

knapsack on back
book in front
walking

[10.1.72]

"stranger than that we're alive"

do you know this game?

thagata

flower - fire - flyer

the art of composing ambiguous fragments

there are many ways of thinking about a flower

people at the beach in autumn

the butterfly clings to the flower
the wind chills

notions take life in the way people look at things

boats make waves

making waves - making vibes

philosophical phrases:

"looks like"
"but I could be wrong"
"different from what I think it is"
"I can see how you could look at it that way"
"I could"
"I can't see it that way"

word it right

looking at strange women

surround escapades

not everyone can show self in style

unframe me
dispicture
unlink

jolt me

let it all hang-out monster
breathing, pumping
being ins space, protruding

figuring it all out

a-ha!
laughing knowing you can't explain it to anyone else

actually I'm not all here
the real me is over there
putting on a show

fleeting realist death

die hard

sit inside themselves

untie one knot per day

loinskin

premature realities

world without subject or predicate

noxious and innocuous

it-ooth

trees swayed by the wind taking hold of the leaves

looking out the window, wanting to be there but finding it too cold

we read faster than we think

"Created by the Self-evident to serve"

meat the demons

circumloquacious

hurry to the place where you calmly walk in

grandflower

cityscape
cityescape
incityescape
incityusescape

windflower - wallflower - dreamflower

wounds - scars - punishments - dears

Wittgenstein trains you to mistrust your thoughts

oh my green god!

sincere self-revelation is a way of talking

keep talking: no loitering

I want to hear a beautiful sensitive woman read my writings and say: 'Far out.'

living vividly

swing it

outcome - income

"I'll always love you Miles, always."

"Will you, Jocelyn? Will you? I am going to believe that you will. Permit me a little self-deception. Permit me to believe this. I will not have to believe it much longer."

- P. Kavanaugh

[trip hitch-hiking to Canyon de Chelly - November]
[I omit the lists of people who picked me up]

[day 1 - Saturday]
same weather as when I left
rain coming into bus station
no reason to stay, roots of dreams
and what would have made me stay?
nothing to keep me here

"Songs to aging children come,
aging children, I am one..
people hurry by so quickly,
don't they hear the melodies
in the chiming and the clicking
and the laughing harmonies."

people are pretty

songs as greeting cards

the thin king

bounces like a piece of cheese

clean vivid images: child in fall yard

paths to tops and end of world

philosophy as game among strangers

un-ion

city as stars

ease of production dwarfs human actions

the connection between thunder and lightning

take your existence for granted

write it down so you can be sure of what you are saying

"I don't want to hurt your feelings,
but I don't want to kiss you ass."

the popping of people's heads being pulled out of their assholes

low on money - high on money

luck out - luck in

you don't see how you move

life in limbo
the whole limbo catalogue
visit scenic libo
L.U.

private scenes / public pressures

ten days in the nightmare

[Dec 11-12 - after being unable to have sex with a beautiful girl]

a send of sad, of sorry
of soft warm smooth skin
and nothing to say
live and learn? well, "live" anyway
but I like her
ashamed
the pain hit at five

nerve storms race across the plain

I need someone to be comfortable with

eclipse in my mind

dull weight of despair

close away / far up

gaze /maze
gmaze
gmazingraze

living in the Great American Dream

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